By Sara Squires
Doggy style
Koreans know what’s best for you,
So when you’re ill know what to do?
They’ll tell you when you’re feeling ruff,
To go and eat the meats that’s tough.
For eating soup plied with dog meat,
Can cure all colds and summer heat
And really it is clear to see,
It’s great for men’s virility,
Certainly worth every dollar,
Gets you hot under the collar.
It’s also good for ladies skin,
It does not have to be a sin.
Your tummy’s growling out and calling,
Smells so good it’s just a’paw’lling!
So bring your husband, kids or wife,
And give them a new leash on life.
Hence crouch and sit down on the floor,
Pick up your chopsticks with your paw,
As fraid I truly recommended,
That you chow down on man’s best friend,
Cause it’s the best meat by a mile,
Let’s do dinner doggy style.
***
Not your average Russian
Those girls out there who have blonde hair,
Will understand the cross I bear.
The question always thrown at me,
A Russian girl is who you be?
See I’m forever getting tested,
As three times I’ve been arrested.
It not my fault, nor my intention,
I attract the wrong attention,
Seem to fail at integration,
Tend to piss off immigration.
One day suffering from constipation,
Buying meds to aid digestion,
I walked outside the pharmacy,
Four armed officers confront me.
Surrounding me by every side,
Held laxatives, so not much pride.
Then one of them barks, where’s ID?
Laxatives was all I had on me.
Concerned for my legitimation,
asking my origination,
So I reply, ‘from the UK.’
They asked me next how long my stay.
Left passport at accommodation
So next came my incarceration.
I see the bus, unmarked and black,
They push towards I start to back.
I cry out that I’m innocent.
Not an illegal immigrant!’
They force me on the prison bus,
That’s when I start to make a fuss.
The windows they were barred and black,
Three immigrants sat at the back,
Stared at me with sorrowed eyes,
Several times I tried to rise,
The officer pushed me back down,
And sternly asked me with a frown,
To sign the form on his clip board,
“Detention notice! Oh my lord!”
I really thought that this would be,
The last time anyone saw me.
Everyone would hear reported,
Poor old Sara got deported!
My whereabouts would be unknown,
Then I recall I had a phone.
I whipped it out and phoned my school,
No one answered so not cool,
Then finally, about to go,
That golden word, “Yoboseyo!”
So after quarter of an hour,
My director’s best persuading power,
A call to the British embassy
Eventually they release me!
Not at all apologetic,
No kind words, not sympathetic.
I ran straight back to my director,
Expecting quite a lengthy lecture.
My ordeal I thought vicarious,
But he found it all hilarious.
I felt like I was going to cry,
He wiped a tear out of his eye,
What he said next I could have swore,
“They thought you were a Russian whore!”
Naturally less than impressed,
I really was quite formally dressed.
Apparently it would appear,
The view that’s held within Korea,
Teachers and whores they look the same,
Resemble those who’re on the game,
So rather than risk playing roulette,
My bleach blonde locks are now brunette!
***
Tit Soup
I’d like to let you in the loop,
Of how to make waygook tit soup.
You see, the place I like to hang,
The locals call the Jimjilbang!
Jimjilbangs just so you know,
Are spa’s Koreans like to go,
With saunas, steam rooms, swimming pools
Lots of showers with little stools.
But there is one important rule,
Before you go into the pool.
To not comply would seem most rude
You simply must be in the nude!
So drop my pants down to the floor,
And opening the locker door.
Stuff everything I wear inside
perhaps a little of my pride.
Now maybe cause I’m in Korea
I feel obliged to hide my rear.
As Korean girls are rather thin,
Gorging on choccie seems a sin.
Then understand my next surprise
When strutting round before my eyes
No stick insects with long dark hair,
Just stumpy ajummas everywhere!
Naturally then feeling better
I venture in to become wetter
When walking first towards the sauna
My first encounter turns the corner.
An ajumma, fat, round and proud,
Came screaming at me rather loud.
In words I could not understand,
And pointing at me with her hand,
Directly straight at my vagina,
Began to wish I had chose China.
Only when discussing after,
With my friends in so much laughter.
That far as lower grooming goes,
The girl’s who shave are mainly Hoe’s!
But never one to be defeated
In one hot tub I became seated
In warm hot bubbles, sitting still
I really did begin to chill.
Though my retreat was not the last,
Alone time ended rather fast.
Unfortunately I had been clocked
The gaze of several ajummas locked.
Blonde nude Way-Gook is rather rare,
So why not go and have a stare?
It’s really hard to stay at ease
With pairs of tits down to the knees
Come climbing in from every side
Wrinkled lovelies, short and wide.
Now my Korean’s rather lame,
I speak so little to my shame.
And these lovely ladies like to chatter
But I lack the skills to have a natter
So clearly with nowhere to go,
I smile and say, ‘mol-lah-yo!’
Though after an awkward exchange
I start to feel a bit less strange.
The ancient dears they took to me
We sat and chat and drank some tea.
So basically here is the deal,
To make this lovely tit based meal
Take one waygook and add to pot
Then ajummas, you need a lot.
Add some bubbles and some tea
and that’s the tit soup recipe!
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